Friday, July 29, 2005

Men are from...

A post from Annush has me thinking that maybe I have underestimated the suffering of women. Despite the fact that they get to decide just how far the date will go, it’s not all a picnic with a piece of cake on a bed of roses on their side. Although I might like a little attention from the opposite sex, I suppose I wouldn’t want people staring and hitting on me every second of the day either. Then there’s that whole thing about hemorrhaging on a monthly basis which is completely abnormal and shouldn’t happen outside of a horror flick, but I digress.

Having said all that, I definitely do not agree that men have it easy (or even easier) when it comes to relationships. You women think you have it hard? You think you’re insecure, complicated, misunderstood, and just a little bit insane? Well, I agree completely. So what problems could we have to contend with that? Easy. We want you, despite your largely being emotionally tortuous, financially draining, manipulative nut jobs. Are we pathetic or what?

The part that really bugs me is the way the men are always expected to make the first moves: date, pay for the check, goodnight kiss, etc. (restraining orders being a notable exception). Of course I have heard the rumors that women are now allowed to make the first move; I’ve been hearing that my whole life. I’ve also heard of Eskimos but have yet to see anyone harpoon a whale in my neighborhood. That whole first move thing is the killer. We approach, heart in hands, holding it out in hopes that you will accept it lovingly instead of shredding it with your teeth and using it to line a birdcage. It’s not unlike repeatedly shoving your face into a fan. “Yow! Okay, once more. Yow! Okay, once…” Come to think of it, it’s not much different than trying to get published.

As is my wont, I’ll follow my gripes with a little advice. Given my status as an outsider to humanity, I have been able to make a few observations you homo sapiens have probably missed, what with you being too close to the forest to see the man eating bears and all. In my nearly infinite wisdom I have discovered the following:

1) It’s harder than it needs to be because both sides play too many games.
2) Especially the women.
3) Open and honest communication with one another is essential.
4) You go first.
5) :p

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Just deal with it already.

Note to women – if any of this offends you, please let me say by way of sincere apology BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Now have sex with me.


annush said...

Nice post. Maybe I should move to Atlanta and find me a nice southern boy whose heart I can break :)

Valkyrie said...

I actually do feel sorry for guys trying to get a date.

Shredding hearts is no fun. And I would never do it to another living being.

Nobius said...

Amen brother.

I still can't figure my wife out and we've been together nearly 11 years.

The only person that understands how women think, act, etc is a woman. And even then sometimes I wonder. :)

VomitGod said...

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?

Sask 1 said...

I've given up trying to understand guys.Im thinking i should give women a try.
Also,running around without your pants on won't get you much sex.So put them back on.