Evil Rules!

Last night I used my brain to absorb beer, all three Evil Dead Movies, and a personal favorite from my childhood, Evilspeak. It’s the tale of a bullied student (Clint Howard) at a military academy who turns to Satan in his hour of need. In exchange for his immortal soul, he is granted the power to rise up and smite the crap out of pretty much everyone. I recommend this for everybody (the movie, I mean) (okay, the Satanic violence as a solution to your problems as well). What can I say? I’m a sucker for happy endings. Also, in a major plot point, it has a scene where a naked hottie is attacked and killed by pigs. Nudity, blood, barnyard animals – all of the important proclivities are covered.

I realize that I may enjoy this movie more than the average person because of the connection it has to my sordid past. When I was twelve-ish, I decided to go into the military. After I got over the shocking ending of Taps, I wanted to attend a military academy. My mother thought it was a bad idea because it was my idea, so she took every opportunity to knock it. When Evilspeak came on HBO she saw an advertisement depicting Clint being bullied by his classmates. She then told me to watch the movie that I might learn what a military academy would really be like. I was watching it on a Saturday afternoon when she came in and saw another facet of the film, namely the devil worship. She threw one of her patented fits, turned off the TV just minutes shy of the climax, and ordered me never to watch that movie again (I didn't bother to remind her that it was her idea since it would only fuel her rage). After midnight (I set my alarm to wake me) I snuck into the den and watched another showing with the volume low. The next day I told my friends all about it, one of whom had a VCR and recorded it the next time it ran, and we spent the rest of that summer rewatching it whenever our parents were away. Side note – if anybody cares, we were also reading and watching A Clockwork Orange a lot that summer. Anyway, the rest is history. I grew up to be an evil literary psychopath with military training.

A couple of years later my mother did attempt to send me to an academy, but it was a Baptist military academy in Vermont. After reading the brochure, I decided the only thing scarier than Southern Baptists were Northern Baptists. It was an xtian academy that used grey uniforms and military discipline to shove the bible down your throat nonstop. All employees of the academy were Baptist preachers. The brochure had a section that told you what would happen upon your arrival and in the part about getting your head shaved it mentioned "You may even get a friendly sermon from your barber," as if that was a selling point. My mother put the application and check in the mail, but I retrieved them from the mailbox, tore them up, and flushed the pieces down the toilet. Score one for the Lucifer.

Which brings me to another random childhood thought, years before Evilspeak and the Vermont Baptists. I remember my mother standing in the den, hand over her heart, looking at me and saying "I have never seen anyone more taken by the devil in my entire life." What strikes me is that she wasn't screaming when she said it; she only emoted like a bad Shakespearean actor. I never did determine what prompted that assertion. At the time I was laying on the couch watching the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show.

Anyway, you can see some of why I am the way I am. If nothing else, I have more excuses than most people for my antisocial behavior.

So, what’s your excuse? :p