Monday, July 11, 2005

Day One

The experiment has begun, and already I feel lousy. I didn’t sleep well last night because the storms caused the power to flicker just long enough to set off Supermoo’s battery backup (and the accompanying alarm) a couple of times. When I did finally wake up, it was in the middle of a dream that my apartment building was being evacuated in preparation for alien invasion. I managed to convince myself that the invasion was a mistake, but that I was still being relocated for some reason. I snapped out of it when the first blast from the showerhead hit me. The day went downhill after that.

I didn’t have enough time to cook a bowl of porridge, what with the evacuation and all, so I scoured the cabinets for something quick and edible for breakfast. It occurred to me that while I had rid the place of stuff I couldn’t eat, I hadn’t bothered to replace it with things I could. I settled upon a small cup of microwaveable beans and rice.

Halfway into the work day I discovered the true purpose of Mountain Dew. Not only does it fill you with energy and give you a reason to live, it also keeps your head from imploding. I spent the entire day at my desk with a massive headache, mostly on the left side, nodding off and waiting for the clock to tell me I could go home. The last two hours were two of the longest in my life. I finally checked out a few minutes early, stumbled to my car, and was tragically killed in a fiery, mangled wreck on the way home.

Okay, the last bit didn’t technically happen, but I almost hoped it would just so I could sleep on the ambulance. Anyway I got home, took a long nap, and awoke with only the ghost of the day’s headache remaining. I drove to Harry’s Farmers Market and stocked up on apples, potatoes, Thai noodle bowls, and also a pizza. Remember, this is not a diet, I’m just taking a month off from unnatural foods. The pizza has no added sugars, chemicals, or oils; rather it is made from all organic materials including fresh herbs and uncured pepperoni.

Randi suggested not eating anything that I couldn’t pronounce, which is in keeping with the spirit of this experiment, but then I remembered I can pronounce sodium nitrite, cyanide, and dog shit, so I probably shouldn’t take that advice literally. It’s still a good guideline though.

Almost one whole day down, twenty-nine to go. I’ll try to get tomorrow off to a better start with a full night’s sleep and a decent breakfast. You know, if the aliens don’t invade again.

6 comments:

Butterscotch said...

Hmm, I gave up potato/ corn chips for a month once.

I tried to give up diet Pepsi. That lasted bout two days.

Valkyrie said...

Good luck, Grant. More power to ya.

annush said...

alright Grant you are doing good. Keep it up :D

Sask 1 said...

Your doing great Grant.Keep it up.

Toad734 said...

What the hell is porridge? Isnt that what bears eat?

Grant said...

Porridge is just British for oatmeal, although I think it's sometimes made from other grains. I like to use English English sometimes for no reason at all.