Day One

The experiment has begun, and already I feel lousy. I didn’t sleep well last night because the storms caused the power to flicker just long enough to set off Supermoo’s battery backup (and the accompanying alarm) a couple of times. When I did finally wake up, it was in the middle of a dream that my apartment building was being evacuated in preparation for alien invasion. I managed to convince myself that the invasion was a mistake, but that I was still being relocated for some reason. I snapped out of it when the first blast from the showerhead hit me. The day went downhill after that.

I didn’t have enough time to cook a bowl of porridge, what with the evacuation and all, so I scoured the cabinets for something quick and edible for breakfast. It occurred to me that while I had rid the place of stuff I couldn’t eat, I hadn’t bothered to replace it with things I could. I settled upon a small cup of microwaveable beans and rice.

Halfway into the work day I discovered the true purpose of Mountain Dew. Not only does it fill you with energy and give you a reason to live, it also keeps your head from imploding. I spent the entire day at my desk with a massive headache, mostly on the left side, nodding off and waiting for the clock to tell me I could go home. The last two hours were two of the longest in my life. I finally checked out a few minutes early, stumbled to my car, and was tragically killed in a fiery, mangled wreck on the way home.

Okay, the last bit didn’t technically happen, but I almost hoped it would just so I could sleep on the ambulance. Anyway I got home, took a long nap, and awoke with only the ghost of the day’s headache remaining. I drove to Harry’s Farmers Market and stocked up on apples, potatoes, Thai noodle bowls, and also a pizza. Remember, this is not a diet, I’m just taking a month off from unnatural foods. The pizza has no added sugars, chemicals, or oils; rather it is made from all organic materials including fresh herbs and uncured pepperoni.

Randi suggested not eating anything that I couldn’t pronounce, which is in keeping with the spirit of this experiment, but then I remembered I can pronounce sodium nitrite, cyanide, and dog shit, so I probably shouldn’t take that advice literally. It’s still a good guideline though.

Almost one whole day down, twenty-nine to go. I’ll try to get tomorrow off to a better start with a full night’s sleep and a decent breakfast. You know, if the aliens don’t invade again.