Tuesday, June 21, 2005

ROOT CANAL!!!

No two words in the English language better strike fear and loathing into our hearts (except maybe for anal rape) but according to dentists who have been smoking crack there is no need to worry. Root canals are completely painless. You’re numb before the procedure starts and missing the offending nerve by the end. Having survived the procedure today I can honestly recommend, if your dentist offers an alternative treatment, going with assisted suicide. There is no way you can scrape a living nerve from the inside of a tooth without pain. I tried a mantra to take my mind off the suffering, but “this fucking sucks” doesn’t make the time pass more quickly. At least the ordeal has passed. My cheeks feel like over-stretched rubber and my skull is singing in the key of pain.

On the lighter side, at least the dentist was an attractive Arabic woman – not in Dr. View’s league, but enough to take the edge off the searing pain. I’m beginning to understand how a person could become masochistic. The only way I get to see Dr. View is to pay her to stick her fingers in my mouth and hurt me as I gaze lovingly at her masked face.

Besides, any great artist must suffer for his craft. This experience should aid me in any future horror endeavors. For example:
Old style: “Look out! Giant Atomic Chickens!”
New style: “Run, Johnny! There’s a root canal right behind you.”

Teeth, out

3 comments:

Weary Hag said...

I think if they'd just change the name of the damned procedure ... you know, to something like "pain reduction therapy" instead of ROOT CANAL, it might help some. The mantra I tried during this process only served one function... I repeated to myself over and over "I will NOT kill this man, I will NOT kill this man." It didn't pass the time quicker, but at least the dentist is still alive.

Sask 1 said...

I had one done about 6 months ago.Ill never believe a dentist again who says this won't hurt a bit.Damn liers.
June

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