Friday, June 24, 2005

Problem Solved

When I rolled out of bed this morning I discovered the Great Magnet had imparted upon me, it’s greatest living prophet and representative on this planet, the secret to religious tolerance. What we need to do is create a new religion so outlandish and annoying that everything else pales in comparison. When we have achieved worldwide recognition (read: notoriety), we will disband leaving only a lingering memory like a chili fart, but stankier, and the lesson that people had better learn to tolerate each other or we’ll be back. “Yeah, those (insert name of cult – e.g. Wiccans, Devil Worshippers, Zoroastrianists, catholics, baptists) are some pretty weird folk, but at least they’re nothing like those Floobertists (keep reading).”

Therefore, I have invented Floobertism ® © ™, the worship of you know, like, whatever. Our symbol will be a dead blow hammer inscribed with our slogan, “Floobertism Underscores Conscious Knowledge and Your Overt Understanding.” Our beliefs will change on a daily basis. The Great Magnet will impart it’s wisdom upon me, the Grand Poobah of the Third Circle of Holy Hell and Breakfast Pastries (my title will also change daily, so try to keep up), and I will post the prayer schedule online. For Saturday:

Dress in your holy garments, called Floobertywear, consisting of motorcycle boots, a terrycloth robe covered with mustard stains and perforated with railroad spikes so you look like a giant porcupine, fez, sash, and a snorkel.
Pick a heavily trafficked corner and greet strangers by bazooka-barfing on them and giving them a great big hug.
Assuming you are both still alive, proselytize the following: monkeys are tasty with peanut butter, basketball is fake, your local politician is from the planet Heemfribble Vorton ZX-3 and is on a mission to get elected into local politics and just stay there, the world is elliptical, and god needs your money (route through Grant). Use whatever logic you see fit, like this syllogism: “god needs money (major premise), our church supports god (minor premise), and I’m well armed (conclusion) so fork it over.” Or don’t use logic. It’s a religion, right? Blind faith is what we are all about.
If questioned, insist that you have proof but you left it in your other robe.
Break for lunch. Remember that broccoli is an evil weed and you must abstain unless you coat it with holy goo (aka cheese sauce).
Pass out leaflets by making paper airplanes and tossing them off a nearby bridge or skyscraper. If you get bored, try setting them on fire first.
Rob a bank in the name of jebus.
Take control of a supermarket’s muzak and convert it to a polka-rap hybrid.

Once we have achieved worldwide notice (I’m guessing around mid-afternoon), we shall make our greatest statement via the time honored and even tempered method of the deeply spiritual and disband by committing mass suicide. I’ll leave the details of how up to you, but try to take out a lot of annoying people when you go (especially slow drivers, the clergy of other (false) religions, and people with too many items in the express checkout lanes). And thus, with our sacrifice, we will finally bring religious peace and harmony to all the peeps on this planet.

You go first.


Valkyrie said...

This post made me laugh out loud. Grant, you're a comedic genius!

Sounds like you've recovered from the root canal!

Weary Hag said...

I've always been one of those "sit and watch from the sidelines" kinda religious observers. Let me know how the rest of your cult pans out and then gimme a shout. (I was on board 100% till the suicide part ... oh how I wish the Flooberists practiced homicide instead)

Valkyrie said...

How's the weather in Georgia?

VomitGod said...

Heh heh...I thought the secret to religious tolerance was Zoloft (and lots of it)!

PBS said...

Ha ha, so inventive! Way ahead of me there. I especially liked the "broccoli is an evil weed and you must abstain unless you coat it with holy goo" part, but all of it was great!