Thursday, June 30, 2005

Love is in the air

I’ve been thinking about how to ask my dentist out without jeopardizing our doctor/patient relationship. So far I’ve considered threats, intimidation, coercion, duress, bullying, and just being generally scary and intense, but even though I’ve exhausted my entire romantic repertoire, none of this sounds like a plausible approach. I tried talking to various people, but somehow they all seem reluctant to get involved.

Trying a different approach, I analyzed my previous dates in order to look for what has worked and what has failed in the past. I realized that I have a 100% success rate in getting women to say they will date me, which is to say no woman I have asked out has ever refused. On the other hand, getting them to actually show up comes in closer to one in three and no woman who has ever suggested meeting me in a shopping mall has ever shown. Conclusion – once an acceptance is obtained, maintain physical contact by shackling myself to my date until the date is concluded. Under no circumstances should we get near a shopping mall.

Side suggestion to the vaginally-enhanced half of the population: grow some balls (not literally, of course). Being rejected is painful and awkward for both, but try to show a little concern for us. Much worse than being shot down is feeling elated at the thought of a first date, spending time and money trying to look good without betraying the fact that we do think about these things, showing up and being forced to hang around while your heart sinks into your stomach and it becomes increasingly obvious to everybody that you’ve been dumped, then finally giving up and going home where relatives and/or friends are standing by to compassionately grill you about why you are home so early and laugh in your face while reminding you that you’ll find it funny too after awhile. (I’m thinking of a time this happened about fifteen years ago. I’m still pissed.) So do the right thing, ladies. Or we’ll shoot you. :p

Anyway, I’d better take things slowly with my lovely and effervescent dentist. My next move will be to impress her with an electrifying entrance. I thought of racing up in a Ferrari and leaping from the vehicle wearing a tuxedo, but she won’t see the car unless I plow through the wall and park next to the reception desk. Better not risk it. Likewise, I’m not sure if a rhino would fit through the front door without any damage to the structure. Maybe I could impress her with my military background and training by rappelling onto the roof of the building, crashing through the skylight, blasting the inner doors with plastic explosives and rocket launchers, charging through the smoldering ruins and spraying everything in sight. I’ll use silly string instead of lead since I don’t want my entrance to be overly fatal to the object of my desire.

Here’s where you can help. Let me know which of the following entrances you think would work best:
a) Galloping into the office on a black stallion with a rose clutched in my teeth.
b) Blasting through the wall with cannon fire then rushing through the debris bellowing my favorite pirate pickup line, “Yarrr…prepare to be boarded.”
c) Dressing up as Tarzan and swinging through the window on a vine while carrying an elephant and doing the Tarzan yodel.
d) Making three consecutive appointments on the same day so I can do a, b, and c.

Thanks in advance for all your help. I’ll let you know how it goes. If you don’t hear from me soon, send bail money. Or I’ll shoot you. :p


annush said...

Definitely C...

Oh and take a picture!!

Butterscotch said...

Yes, because I need yet another blog to be addicted to:)

I will now go sit and wait to see what you decide to do.

Nobius said...

I suggest you take her by gun point.

Women like a bad ass with a ski hood.

Or something.


Valkyrie said...

See if she's single before doing any of the following.

Nothing is more embarrassing than asking someone out to discover said person is already seeing someone.

PetiteDov said...

Um i have to go for the pirate choice. Pirates are hot.

Weary Hag said...

Now Grant, back in the day, had a man showed up to my house on a steed, dressed like Tarzan but with an eyepatch, packing a gat and holding out a red rose, I probably would have had his children THEN asked his name. Nothing spells rescue quite like a gallant Tarzanian kickass romantic pirate. Nothing.

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