iPod Tarot

Prognosticated from Sarcasmo
The Rules:
“Here's how it works: we all have our favorite artists or albums we tend to listen to a lot, so these are the suits of the Minor Arcana, much like Tarot's Swords, Pentacles, Rods and Cups. Remixes of any of the suit's singles are considered a reversed reading.

“Any single track not in a larger grouping by artist or album is considered Major Arcana, much like The Fool, The Tower, and The Devil (not necessarily a bad card, fyi).

“Readings are based on the Celtic Method of Tarot reading, adapted to the Attention Deficit Disorder generation. Initialize your iPod so that the Apple icon reappears. Set to random shuffle. Then select: Browse > Songs > All. The next 5 randomly determined tracks read your past, present and future.”

So, the question I asked is “Will I meet the woman of my dreams?” (Note – Asian, thirty-ish, red hair, owns her own business and an iPod, into death metal)

1st Track: The Significator. This track symbolizes the nature of the question. For me, Satan Sue (my iPod and oracle) played Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You by Spinal Tap, a part of the minor arcana called Writer’s Black Noise. I’m not sure why, but I find this song, intentionally lame on several levels, by a bad fictional heavy metal band to be very encouraging. I should find the lyrics distressing since they seem to focus on a relationship with a minor that’s not going to happen (sample lyrics: “You're sweet but you're just four feet / And you still got your baby teeth / You're too young and I'm too well hung / Tonight I'm gonna rock you”). Instead of focusing on the words, which don’t give me the results I want, I think I’ll just take the title out of context and groove to the beat and energy of the song. Things are looking good. Jupiter is in the house of the rising sun.

2nd Track: The Opposing Forces. Awful by Hole, major arcana. Sample lyrics: “It’s your life, it's your party, it's so awful / Let's start a fire / Let's have a riot! / Yeah it's awful / It was punk / Yeah, it was perfect now it's awful.” This is less encouraging. Apparently the thing which could disrupt my goal would be dating Courtney Love. It was a close call, but I got the warning in time. The moon is now aligned with Rupert.

3rd Track: The Past. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole, minor arcana (HKRXmasux* Greetings). Sample lyrics: “They know that Santa's on his way / He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh / And ev'ry mother's child is gonna spy / To see if reindeer really know how to fly.” I’m a man who loves xmas – the cold weather, boiled custard in the stores, increased suicide and crime rates, depression, gifts, worship of the false god Santa Claus, red and green together, seasons greetings, you name it. I don’t know why, but this song incongruously jumping into my head bears ill tidings. The ides of march carry a rotten egg fart. Pluto is in Uranus.
4th Track: What May Be. Bitter Peace by Slayer, minor arcana (Writer’s Black Noise). Sample lyrics: “No longer kill your brother / Just slaughter one another / Watch for the deadly other / This sibling is a fucker.” I went over the lyrics of this song twice, and couldn’t find any romantic allusions. Maybe “Dead stare though cynical eyes / A trust in only pain / Murder within the skin / Engrave the art of war.” No, that’s not getting me hot either. Perhaps Satan Sue is telling me my future is hatred, not love. Violence will be my mistress. Mars is in a funk.

5th Track: Sum of All Track Readings. Train, Train by Blackfoot, minor arcana (Cardio Mix). Sample lyrics: “Well, that woman I'm in love with / Lord, she's got to go / Well, goodbye pretty mama / get yourself a money man.” What started well has now had a massive stroke and fallen to the floor dead. Alas, it is not to be. Most of these readings tend to be ambiguous, but when the great soothsayer Satan Sue informs you that the woman you love is Memphis bound, there’s not much to be said. Who cares where the effing planets are now.

In summation, the tracks tell me that this is a powerful question with major impacts on my life. I have avoided melancholy and Courtney Love, which put me in the prime position to attain my goal, but blew it in Publix last week when I sat there dumbstruck with lust on the brain, heavy metal in my ears, and a can of Hormel hot tamales in my hands. Nothing to do now but become a serial killer and go on a random killing spree. So sayeth the iPod.

But it’s my birth weekend, so I think I’ll have cake and ice cream first.

* also known as HannuKwanzaRamadamas