Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Random Post

Week two of Daylight Savings Torture continues. My imagination has returned to me. Now all I need is some coherence and memory and I’ll be set.

So, while my brain is being productive yet unfocused, allow me to say flithoop boober swapplepen and freem. The great black dog will arise and tramp across Cassiopeia in the moonless sky. All fear the hoary host of the netherworlds. Happiness is within a blade of grass.

In other news, Corporate Americans obviously have nothing to say. Sometimes I go to the vending machines for breakfast and get a bag of Fritos. Inevitably, I pass someone on the way back to my desk who says something clever like “Got some Fritos, huh?” or ever present “Breakfast of Champions.” Might I politely suggest to everyone that if you have nothing to say, then say that (nothing). Even better, can congress pass a law giving me a temporary license to kill whenever I receive another insipid greeting? Naturally, I would use some good old human judgment and match the murder weapon to the phrase.

“Got some Fritos, huh? *slit* gurgle” – straight razor against throat.
“Going home? *fwoosh* Aaaagh!” – flame thrower to body
“Another day, another dollar. *blam-blam* *splatter*” – double barrel twelve gauge to the face
“Someone’s got a case of the Mondays. *thud* Oof!” – dead blow hammer to private parts. Repeat ‘til death.

As usual, a little rampant violence would do wonders for our society. If the offenders didn’t learn their lesson, they would become conveniently dead. Naturally, our so-called government does nothing to ensure this utopia. Our path is clear. Next time, vote for anybody who is against DST.

10 comments:

Valkyrie said...

My, aren't you in a good mood today?

Weary Hag said...

I see you're in typical chipper form today.
Tell me obi-wan-Grant, what would be a suitable punishment for that one buffoon in the office who can't refrain from saying "see you next year" when leaving the office on new year's eve?
I'm taking notes, please don't disappoint me.

Grant said...

Since it's only an annual offense, I recommend leniency. When he says it, respond with "Oh, I think not" and then release the hell penguins. Naturally, you'll spend the rest of the year training them to go for the eyes, as well and outfitting them with little cumberbunds and bowties so they can slip into the office party unnoticed.
If you don't have an office party, use the same line but just staple his eyelids shut.

Weary Hag said...

Fine advice. I have documented this and will put it into play on December 31, 2005. Mark my words, I will need it.

the phantom said...

inspite of my fondness for violence inspired by the random stupidity of others, it is still largely (and unfortunately) frowned upon by most.
so in the mean time, until we can get a good amount of people involved in a very worthwhile movement, you could always engage the ignorant ones with a bill engval "heres your sign" type reponse.
my personal favorite is when walking inside from a rain storm someone will inevitably ask, "so, its raining outside?" my stock reply is usually, "NO. i pissed on myself at the urinal!"
usually shuts them up, but the flame thrower idea is just so damn inviting as well!

Rys said...

Grant - long time no post!! Aren't you angry about something? ;) BTW - my "PM" blog is back up and running!

Rys said...

hahaha - hell Penguins! I would look cute in a cumberbund!

Jodie said...

I was indoctrinated into chatty behavior as a child and have been unable to escape from the madness. You are blissfully unaware of the resultant evil events should we chatterers attempt to rein in those impulses...

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