Saturday, December 04, 2004

Good, Clean Fun

I love this time of year. The air is nippy, the spirit of HKRXmasux is everywhere, suicide rates are up, greed is good, and things are decorated in red and green which normally clashes. I’ve thought of a few fun activities in the spirit of season’s greetings.

Harkening back to my Army days, we used to hold impromptu floor buffer rodeos. Late at night, often after several stiff drinks, we would gather in the barracks hall, plug in the floor buffer, and take turns seeing how long we could ride it solo before being thrown (anything more than five seconds is a complete miracle). To do this, you should drink several things strong enough to slaughter pigs at fifty paces, sit on the motor housing of the buffer with your feet off the floor, grasp the controls like ape-hanger handlebars, then off you go. Onto the floor.
I often wish I had a gas-powered model to ride around. If I ever got lost, I could always find my way home by following the shiny zig-zag trail. If we all did this, we could commute and clean the streets at the same time. In summer, we could ride mowers down the grassy median. In colder climes, people could ride snow blowers.

If you’re bored and alone, you may want to hop in line somewhere (banks and convenience stores are recommended), wait until you are close enough for the teller or clerk to hear you, then loudly say to the stranger next to you: “Hey! I thought you said there wasn’t gonna be no killing.” Before the soccer mom or whoever can respond, throw your hands in the air and walk out, announcing “I can’t have no part of this, man. I’m outta here.”

If nothing else, Lee has returned and is creating new Chopping Block cartoons. Long live Butch, and may everyone else watch their back.

Ho ho, out

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