Thursday, November 11, 2004


I have an iPod. Do you have an iPod? I have an iPod. I can now safely say, with all personal integrity and a writer's objectivity, that I am the coolest person alive.

For one thing, I now realize just how much fun it is to say iPod. iPod, iPod, iPod. My workout today was a breeze. Normally I suffer on the exercise machines, feeling like a giant hamster running on it's wheel to nowhere, reflecting on the fact that my job (my old position, anyway) required me to sit and stare into space while accomplishing nothing meaningful and how I was paying for the privilege to do the same at the fitness club, only with a lot more sweat involved. Today I spent a half hour listening to some great music, watching the bank of silent TV's all set to the same talk show, pretending that the speakers were mouthing the words streaming into my ears. If you don't think it's fun to hear Oprah channeling Dave Mustaine ("What do you mean I don't support your system? I go to court when I have to.") then you obviously don't know what fun is.

I also learned a lot more about us fellow iPoddians today. Did you know that we is smarter than the rest of yous? The ear buds beam intelli-rays directly into our brains, massaging the old gray matter while we listen to soul-enriching, thought-provoking heavy metal. We're much better looking than the rest of you, although you might not notice us since we can turn invisible at will. Did I mention that we can fly under our own power? That we can start and control fires with our minds (pyrokinesis)? Plus, iPods make us guys look sexy, or they should anyway. After all, any man willing to plunk down four Franklins for a fancy-schmancy Walkman can jolly well buy a gal a lobster dinner without making a big fuss over it.

Seriously, I love my new gadget. It's true that money can't bring happiness. Only stuff can do that, and to buy stuff you unfortunately need money. The one problem I encountered while blissfully lost in my own little concert world was that I had to fight the constant urge to sing along. Sure, my head is filled with music, but my the people around me would only hear some guy screaming "You know it's true god hates this place / You know it's true he hates this race" which would seem oddly out of place without the accompaniment.

By the way, Sarcasmo mentioned that, although she thinks they are great devices, their owners tend to love them in a way that is unholy. I couldn't agree more, so I'm naming my iPod Satan Sue. I may glue horns on the top of her, and perhaps a spiked tail on the back.

iPoddie, out


Sarcasmo said...

Dude: You totally have to put horns on Satan Sue.

Then send her to me - as I have no iPod.

Valkyrie said...

How do you put these cool sounds on your blog?