Saturday, August 07, 2004

Note to Christians

I've decided that, on a personal level, I don't like you. No offense.

I've always maintained that I respect christians who 1) actually attempt to keep the faith they espouse, and 2) don't espouse it too loud, at least not to me. However, after a recent brush with The Way of the Master, I looked up the bible quote they reference, Mark 16:15, which states (from the King James version) "And he (jesus) said unto them, 'Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.'" Therefore, any christian who does not evangelize their faith is guilty of hypocrisy, which I hate. What I hate even more are christians who make it their business to preach to me every time we meet until I give in and convert just so they'll shut the hell up. (Note to said xtians - not gonna happen)

By the way, if you take a literal translation of the above quote, it called for them to preach to every creature, not just humans. The next time somebody starts preaching to you, interrupt them by saying "Oh, yeah? You're so pious, tell me how many squirrels you've converted lately. Huh? HUH?" Then, while their brain resets, you can either run or hose them down with your flame-thrower. They won't mind - they're going to a better place.

And while we're on that, why isn't it legal to kill christians? According to their constitutionally protected beliefs, all you've done is improved their lives. Their suffering has ended and they now go to sit at the base of the throne of god and bask in his glow for all eternity. You don't deserve jail for that - you deserve a reward.

And I couldn't help but read the next verse which states "He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned." Nothing about not sinning or obeying the commandments, just believe and have a priest dunk you in the pool and you're good to go. Amen (read: take that). Halle Berry, brother. Now let's go out and kill and pillage and plunder and smoke dope in the name of jesus.

Of course, some claim their bible doesn't include those statements. I noticed the Way of the Masterites were selling something called the Evidence bible. I don't know what that's about, and I don't want to know. These days we seem to have more bibles than breakfast cereals. Technically, xtians whose bibles don't have the quotes I've mentioned can be devout and non-evangelical, so I could like them, but I still don't because they're just complicating matters.

Over 1,100 pages in that book and I can't read two verses without having major issues. I'm going back to my Stephen King novel.

Theological, out.

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