Monday, August 09, 2004

Long Live Rock!

Sarcasmo posted a bit about the joys of having some alone time to spend dancing and singing without fear of prying eyes. Her comments made me wonder if this rapture encompasses all forms of music, or are there complications that could arise. But, before I get into that, let me make a couple of notes.

NOTE TO WOMEN - There are few things in life sexier than a woman singing and dancing with complete abandon, even if she's wearing baggy sweats and doing it off-key and a little dorky. A lot of you could probably make some money with a web cam.

NOTE TO MEN - I don't think the same is true for us.

Anyway, I considered it and decided the singing and dancing thing doesn't really work for metalheads like me. There's no way to get a decent mosh pit going by yourself (without having the replace the furniture daily), and I can tell you from experience that it's not a good idea to stage dive from the top of the computer desk's hutch.

NOTE TO FLUFFY - I'm sorry. RIP.

Instead, guys like me play air guitar where we basically pretend to be the lead guitarist of the band playing. We jam on our air (invisible) guitars, howl into the air microphone, and point to the air babes in the audience, frequently while drinking real beer. In my 20's I was at the top of my game. You may laugh at that, but one night I gave a concert where I played both guitars simultaneously, switched to bass at random, sang all vocals, and even did a drum solo. The air groupies went wild.

Part of my success was due to the stereo system I had at the time which violated most arms reduction treaties around the globe. The bass notes sounded like detonating warheads; I could stun cattle at a hundred paces. This enabled me to share my talent with my neighbors, who often showed their appreciation by having the police drop by to inquire about my well-being.

NOTE TO POLICE - No, I'm not on any drugs. No, I don't think I need to be. Quit asking already.

Sadly, I'm no longer in my air prime. I've traded my assault stereo for computer speakers, and I can only kick out the jams with an 87% success rate. I no longer play for my neighbors...

NOTE TO NEIGHBORS - Stop sending the thank-you notes. I get your freakin' point.

...and just jam to myself. But I still have fun. In fact, I feel a jam session coming on tonight.

NOTE TO AIR GROUPIES - I'll be in my trailer after the show.

Rock, out

P.S. The spell-checker keeps trying to change freakin' to foreskin. Somebody needs to tell the google people that a little careless blogging could make for some strange posts.


Sarcasmo said...

For the record: girls also rock out on the air guitar.

Although I've never attempted a two-guitar solo.

You are truly an air-rock god.

Anonymous said...

Gidget Vanilli likes rocking out, empathizes with the recognition that one's air glory days are past, and acknowledges that his air experiences were not as supreme as yours.

(On the other hand, I did get together with a few other guys and form an a capella punk band...I think many would have preferred that we play air instruments...)

-David (no blogger account, though you can check out if you're feeling communal)

Rys said...

Air groupies? That's a little too much -even for me - the tribute band psuedo groupie-ish.