Tuesday, July 27, 2004


For yesterday's wuss note complaining about my inability to rant or work myself into an emotional frenzy.  So, without further ado...

KILL (your arch-nemesis here)!  KILL 'EM TO DEATH!  KILL 'EM A LOT!  KILL 'EM A BUNCH OF TIMES!

On a related topic, I've decided that our society needs better accountability on a personal level.  Not jail or some other unreliable future punishment, but real-time consequences.  Too much assholery occurs because jerks don't fear retribution.  This is why I firmly believe in violence.  It's not just for entertainment, people.  Useful results can be obtained.

I thought about starting a club and asking members to wear buttons with slogans like "Decrease the Peace," "Kiss Me, I'm Psychotic," or "I Kill People Like You," but buttons are hard to see at a distance and those little stickers are mostly only dangerous to the wearer.  Instead, I think everyone should carry a flame-thrower with them at all times.  We could be called the Flame-thrower Brigade (or FB's, pronounced "Feebs").  They're easier for people to see, useful for solving almost every problem, and the added weight will improve our cardio conditioning.  Perhaps you think this sounds a bit harsh, but consider the following scenarios:

Theater Owner:  Can I, after charging you nearly $20 for a ticket and popcorn, make you sit through several minutes of commercials too long to be played on TV?
FB:  Of course, if I can set fire to your theater on the way out.

Person in Parking Lot:  Can I place this flyer, advocating my political views/telephone billing plan/pizza parlor, under your windshield wiper?
FB:  Sure, if I can set your flyer ablaze and shove it up your nose.

Religionist: Ding dong! Why don't I tell you about my religion?
FB: Why don't you BURN IN HELL?!! (fwoosh)

So, you can see, all of life's little troubles can be solved with the judicious application of fire. So let's be good to each other, people.  Or else some FB will roast you like an espresso bean.

Good is bad, bad is good, all the stuff's the same. I'm back, baby.


Lor said...

Hey, good idea. I especially like the button slogans. Why didn't I think of that? Anyway, I wanna be an FB. When do I get my flame-thrower?

Grant said...

You get your flame-thrower when you either:
a) go buy one (ask your local gun dealer about his "hidden" inventory)
b) join the military
or c) using an aerosol can and lighter (I recommend Endust and Zippo, respectively), rack up 10 points on the following scale:
Everyday jerk - 1 point
Still-employed telemarketer - 2 points
Religious advocate - 3 points
The Incredible Hulk - 40,000 points.
Best wishes for whatever path you choose.