Too long for Formspring

On Sunday at church I kept shouting "Do the jalapeno!" but the preacher just gave me funny looks and other people kept shushing me. What kind of preacher doesn't take requests for dance moves? Anyway, I left early and chained the doors and set fire to the building. Fortunately nobody escaped alive and so I don't have to receive any come-uppance for the fact that the jalapeno isn't, in fact, a dance move. Now I won't be embarrassed by that awful incident and can move on with my life without even mentioning it. So I wanted to celebrate with steak or maybe ice cream, then I thought - Steakscream (patent pending). ZOMFG what could be better - the best of both worlds. You could have a hot, steaming frozen treat that is made out of meat cream and is dispensed in the shape of a star onto a waffle cone. And you could top it with things like onion and pepper sprinkles! Awesome! But then I called the patent office and they won't let my official patent number be "Mr. Fricklepants", the poop-heads. So I guess a patent isn't pending after all. So, what should I have for dinner? 'Cause Steakscream apparently isn't happening.

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In other news, today is important because it marks Mexico's attempt to steal my thunder by having a holiday just ten days before my birthday. This year, since the economy is too bad for you to buy me a bunny, go to Formspring and ask me questions and try to come up with something more original than asking about Asian women and sharting. Because Formspring will become the most valid social networking site ever and can only ruined by your personal lameness. You claim to be intelligent and creative? (I've read your blog - you do) The it's time to put up or shut up. Or maybe that's put out or shout out. I can never remember. Put in or be a dust bin?

Every day is a fresh chance to turn it all around and reach a new low

So Saturday was my day of rest and I slept until after noon, went to the store, slept some more, had a half cup of orange sugar-free Jell-O for dinner, and then spent most of the evening on the toilet.

I've read that a lot of people get upset stomachs from eating too many foods made with artificial sweeteners, and (surprise) I am one of them. And apparently "too many" in my case is equal to more than one serving in a single day, or a serving a day three days running. Popcorn is often pushed as being the healthiest snack for diabetics because it is a whole grain, supposed to be the foundation of our entire diet. This is one of the rare times I lucked out since I love popcorn, although then they go and ruin the suggestion by further saying you should eat it air-popped with no salt or butter. Anyone who's ever had it that way knows the taste and consistency is similar to Styrofoam packing peanuts, albeit a little less mouth-watering.

I should just rename this The Blog of Shart.

Urgent Matter

Too busy to leave work for lunch, so I bought a sandwich in the caf. I had this conversation with the sandwich artist.

Me: And a light amount of spicy mustard.
SA: And a lot of what?
Me: Just a little spicy mustard.
SA: Okay, a lot of spicy mustard.

And so now I have a sandwich that is bleeding deli style mustard all over the place and is a complete mess to eat. Plus the roast beef and provolone seems to be made entirely out of ham and swiss. But at least the pickles are correct. They're in the trash with the rest of the meal. Time to microwave a box of noodles.

QUESTION - what term can I use to express the fact that I don't want a huge amount of something on my sandwich? Because the terms I've been using all translate to "metric buttload" in sandwich speak.

Better Living Through Bunny

On Saturday I ran out of food and rather than go to the grocery I thought I'd live off takeout for a couple of days. First I went to Krystal because I haven't been there in years and I had a hankering for crappy food, even though my personal experience with the chain has been that they provide the worst service. This time the cashier was a cheery American-born bunny who greeted me upon entering, handled my entire order from the register to the bag of sliders (I usually get trapped in the hell of "Ain't my job" when I'm there), and presented my neatly packaged meal with a slight bow.

Then I got Chinese takeout for dinner, and the hot cashier remembered my name and the fact that I often get the same meal despite not having seen me in months, and then thanked me profusely. Plus I think she's over thirty, of which I approve. (she is Asian so she could be anywhere between twelve and fifty for all I know) I wonder if it's acceptable to tip with a marriage proposal.

Then on Sunday I decided to try to improve my appreciation of hot Latinas, hoping to elevate them to at least sub-bunny status, but they screwed up my order so that's not happening. You know how some convenience stores have pictures of scofflaws so the cashiers will know not to accept personal checks from them? I think the local Mexican places have something similar about not giving me what I pay for, but in Mexican. (You no sell-o what fatso el order-o) Without hyperbole, I can honestly say I haven't gotten a single correct to-go order from any Mexican place in years outside of Taco Bell. The last time it happened I was so stunned that I e-mailed all of my friends.

Rather than post my own bunny pic, here's a link to a site with a great photo spread of them. I am willing to marry them all except the blond. Blond hair on a Japanese woman just looks wrong.

In case you think I love all things Japanese, part Ni

Not always.

Note to self - Mexico is not in Japan

This week I took went to Mexico without leaving my neighborhood. I started by watching Machete, a decent film but not one of Robert Rodriguez's best. Pros - Danny Trejo finally gets a leading role and Jessica Alba gets more naked than ever. Cons - Linsay Lohan looks rough and Jessica Alba. It's a great film to inflict on rednecks who believe America's biggest issue is that we don't have a giant wall across the border keeping the Mexicans out. In this film the illegals are portrayed as heroes and the redneck vigilantes are the heavies. Wrapped tightly inside of a lot of scantily-clad gun-toting babes and stylized violence are some realistic views of the issues, such as how the white might right proselytize securing our borders but gain the most from exploiting illegals for cheap labor.

Example of typical Mexican waitress - this becomes relevant below.

Then I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I had a taco because I had to have a taco (you know the urge), and a tamale because a friend of mine plied me with homemade tamales and I wanted to see how standard restaurant fare compared to ones homemade from scratch. The restaurant was still good, but it's like trying to appreciate a Whopper as the next meal after you've eaten prime rib. The wait staff was friendly and hard-working, but we suffered from some difficulty in understanding each other. The kitchen lady brought the food to our table, hands in oven mitts, and repeatedly announced "Tori!" Being the cool international man of mystery that I am, I eventually remembered that tori is foreign for chicken and directed her to my companion. That caused the waiter to come over and tell her to switch the plates because she actually said "Thirty", the number of my plate. At that point I remembered that tori does mean chicken, but in Japanese. Tiny hot women with dark hair and exotic accents bringing me food in my life usually = bunny, so I'm sure you understand the mixup. I'm sure they all had a great laugh at that and did not at all spit in any of our refills. Although I wouldn't mind if the spitter looked like Michelle Rodriguez, because I would definitely swap spit with her.

Example of typical bunny waitress - note the similarities.

It happened again, again

Hummus? What was I thinking? It's just some weird, terrorist-friendly paste. It doesn't even have any meat. EPIC FAIL!

Have you tried sandwiches? They're made of meat and awesome. There's a sandwich counter in our cafeteria that's almost as good as Subway at only twice the price (they really take advantage of our inability to escape for lunch). With all the choices of breads, meats, cheeses, veggies, and toppings, the possibilities are nearly limitless. To keep prices simple, they all cost the same. That's right - eating a whole wheat veggie wrap costs the same as a mustard-laced meatwad. It's a great way of ensuring we don't go all pacifist anti-Christian and turn into a bunch of vegan wusses. And the Italian sandwich - capicola, ham, pepperoni, salami, salami (there's two kinds) - it's like being raped by a flock of pigs! Pigs slathered in mayo! SQEEE! ZOMFGSAMMAGESSAMMAGESSAMMAGES!!!

Sandwiches: because food that can't be eaten as food tucked between two other pieces of food isn't really food.

It happened again

In my world, food = shart, so these days I try to spare my intestines and just snack instead of eating a full meal all at once. Sometimes I'll plan a healthy and nutritious meal like baked fish, brown rice, and sauteed asparagus, then I'll just spread it into a four hour meal, but more often I've found that snack foods have become my main courses since they're quick and relatively light. This can be unhealthy as most snack foods seem rather bacon intensive, but I try to stick with healthy organic choices. Recently I realized that I loved chips and salsa to the point where I was eating some once per day. I was all like "Hells yeah, I love salsa" and "Salsa effing rules" and then I kept running out so I bought bigger bags of chips and jars of salsa, and then yesterday when I was grabbing an oat bran pita and hummus I realized that my pantry was full of giant bags of stale chips and I have a mostly full jar of salsa in the fridge that, by now, probably violates several biological weapons treaties.

I've had a lifelong tendency to get really excited something random, then go nuts with it, enjoy it to the point of obsession, and then suddenly realize that I've lost all interest. That perfectly describes my interest in pro wrestling, nature hiking, and now salsa. Since I'm an adult trying to be an adult trying to maintain the facade of being an adult, I think I'll try to moderate things and force myself to slow down once I find something I like. But enough of that for now - the workday is over and I need to go to the store to get more hummus. Hummus effing rules!

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In other, totally unrelated news, here is a bunny.

Yum

Grasshopper ice cream.

Medical Fun, Part the Latest

So I went to the local eye care salon / dental clinic / cemetery and had my eye exam. The doctor and staff all seemed competent, and the news wasn't as disastrous as I feared. ("Check again - are you SURE you're not blind?") My eyesight will never again be what it once was, but corrective lenses should put an end to my need for sonar (I steer by turning the car when I hear the horn echo off buildings or people). I got a nice set of frames made by Harley-Davidson that should go well with my coat and boots, and now the only missing accessory I need is the actual motorcycle. The cost was reasonable, although more than half of my bill was due to the optional Teflon coating. I got it because they said it would help my night driving, then I later heard from a friend that the coating is supposed to protect the lenses from scratching. Does anybody have any knowledge of / experience with coated vs. uncoated lenses? Does it actually help anything, or is it just like the undercoating from the car dealership that has no real function except to inflate the price? Should I get one coated lens and one uncoated so I can drive around alternating eyes to see the difference? Will the Teflon make them cop killer glasses that can fry eggs without any sticky residue?

MEDICAL LIE OF THE DAY: "These eye drops will not affect your ability to drive." HA HA HA HA HA that was a good one. You know how, just for fun, you like to rub your eyes until they feel swollen and scratchy and tear over, then tape your eyelids back and stare at the sun? If that condition doesn't affect your driving, then kindly get your car out of my living room. I only had to drive about a mile home, but it was a scary ride.

Fortunately a friend drove us to dinner and a movie. We ate Korean, which was more exotic than I would have liked, plus the menu was difficult to read because it was blurry and over-exposed. I thought tiny Korean women would be just as hot as the Japanese, but it turns out they're all blurry and over-exposed as well. As is their food. Then we saw Iron Man 2 on the IMAX screen, which was nice but was not as great of an IMAX film as I had hoped because they didn't make full use of the IMAX format, the movie was fun but not quite up to the standards of the first one, there was more high-flying daytime action in the first one (perfect for IMAX), and the beginning of the film was blurry and over-exposed. By the second half, though, the director learned a thing or two and it looked much better.

Naturally, at the end of my visit, I had to schedule more visits with the optometrist and other eye guys. I wish dating was as easy. "Of course I'll go out with you again. Let's schedule three more dates right now! And here are some of my friends who would like to blow you too."

Example of someone not involved in my healthcare in any way:

Granthain 2010 was a complete success

I'm calling it a success because I suddenly turned a year older, didn't die, and even survived having a slice of cake. Mmmmm...non-lethal cake. Plus there were tacos and beer.

I received several nice gifts this year and I plan to masturbate with each and every one of them. I'm going to avoid listing any names here so the generous don't get targeted as easy marks, but if you send me $5 I'll share all the contact info I have on each one of those suckers nice people.

Being a pain and reminding everyone of my impending agening proved to be a much better plan than aging gracefully and going quietly into that good night, so take my advice and become a complete twat about it. 30 days may not be enough warning, so next year I'll start a little earlier. Like next week.

Atlanta ni Super Fun Wow Bunnybunnybunnymatsuri 2010 Recap

So, the event happened and it was a complete success in that nobody was set on fire and decapitated. After all, who doesn't like to meet new people? Well, me for one. I'm especially not comfortable with meeting all new people in a crowded, noisy environment, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to meet / lick Avitable, so I girded my loins and went to 4th and Swift for dinner (Rathbun's is apparently run by xtian fundies and was closed on Sunday, so they get no link). Fortunately illness and the weather scared away a lot of people (pussies) so the gathering was more cozy and I managed to not say anything embarrassing, such as how I wish I had a pet chainsaw named Rupert and that we lived in an enchanted soda can on the moon (in a platonic relationship, of course).

Otherwise it was a nice evening and Avitable is as sexy as he appears on his blog and I forgot everyone's name which is no reflection on any of them, just that I'm bad with names that don't sound fun (like Senior Freemwimple - I'll never forget him). And so we ate and drank and nobody got trashed and a good time was had by all even though Muskrat did fail in his offer to provide bunny. Avitable bought dinner so I felt obligated to have sex with him in return (ladies, take note), but he declined and so now I don't feel as pretty. I'm sure he'll put up a better summary on his blog tomorrow, along with embarrassing pictures, where embarrassing = includes me. Don't go looking for them.

When we left, Avitable thought to tell the valet to get the car carrying the pregnant woman first, which was very thoughtful and reminded me that it was the sort of thing I used to do before I got sick and all wrapped up in myself. I'm not making a vow to be more considerate or anything in the future, I'm just saying. Now that I think of it, being kind never got anybody laid. Being a complete dick, on the other hand...

Example of woman not provided by Muskrat.

Quick Question

Aren't the peas in split pea soup supposed to be, technically, split? 'Cause I just had some for lunch and all of mine were intact. Time for a class action lawsuit.

Atlanta ni Super Fun Wow Bunnybunnybunnymatsuri 2010

Nobody else named the event, so I stepped up to the plate. On Sunday, May 2 at 6:00 PM, Avitable will be in town and available for wining and dining and questioning by the authorities. Hanging with him will be local bloggers such as myself, Muskrat, and other people I haven't met and hope turn out to be hot Asian chicks. We will be dining at Rathbun's, followed by boozing at Krog Wine Bar, followed by a wild drunken orgy at my place, the Bunnyranch. If you're around or don't mind traveling, we'd love to have you for some light conversation, hand jobs, and devil worship (I assume). Let one of us know if you can attend so we can make all the necessary reservations. For the dress code, I recommend the following appearance:

This is also acceptable.

Wrong on so many levels

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood is playing Christmas carols.

***UPDATE***

Now he switched to La Cucaracha. That's so much better, what with vending food to the tune of an ode to cockroaches.

Yum part Ni

As an antidote to my previous J-food post, here are 10 Japanese foods that Americans can actually appreciate. Naturally, most involve fried meat.

Yum

Japanese cuisine.

Although I have tried nattou and it's not bad, although so sticky that it's difficult to eat. It's best eaten as a filling for a seaweed wrap.

Now for a matter of serious importance

I've heard that some people actually eat the skins of baked potatoes. Is this true?

Happy Thanksgiving

Until our estrangement, my Thanksgivings were spent with family and traditional holiday victuals - tasty food eaten in the presence of people who all hate each other. After I cut them out of my life, my new tradition was to get insanely busy at work during the week before the break, then suddenly find myself alone on Thursday going through the pantry foraging for scraps. One year I had nothing but a package of ramen noodles and a can of beans (I don't remember what kind, but it was one of the less popular beans like limas or something). This time was different.

Wednesday afternoon I went home, rested, then played video games and drank beer.

Thursday I had a hangover and spent most of the day unconscious. I remembered to go to the grocery this week, so I had a Boston Market turkey meal midday.

Friday I cleaned the apartment, then a friend who is undergoing a divorce and is currently living in his camper came over for the weekend. We ate yakitori for dinner, served to us by a hot Japanese woman.

Example of a hot Japanese woman

We cooked on Saturday and Sunday in between watching movies. He made cornbread and Brunswick stew which we ate with beans, slaw, and Kira bbq pork (I needed a nap after all that). For dinner, we had Japanese-style potato salad, another Kurihara side dish (rice and green peas - easy and yummy), and sauteed asparagus. For Sunday brunch I made nikujaga, a Japanese style beef potato stew. It was good, but not great. I doubt I'll bother with it again.

As an added gift, on Saturday I received an e-mail notification from Discover indicating they received my bankruptcy info from the court and have now canceled my account. It won't be official for another seven months, but that's about $10k of medical debt now off me. Plus which, while making the nikujaga I realized a) I've gotten better and cooking and b) I no longer hate doing it. Ironically, now that I can afford to eat out, I'm motivated to stay home and cook more. So, less debt, great movies, began a new anime series (make sure young children are present before clicking that link), enjoyable company, and my refrigerator is now filled with food, none of which is made of turkey or pie.

Best Thanksgiving ever.

Sign of the coming Apocalypse

Texas Pete is made by a company headquartered in North Carolina.