And then that happened

Hi there! I wouldn't dust off this thing except that it was hugged out of me by CMGD, a SAHM (not to be confused with SARS) who recently turned a new age (the pretty one). We celebrated her decrepitude over tortillas, which was nice. There's nothing much new to report here. I am now unemployed, my lower left leg is discolored and bleeds a lot, I'm in the process of discarding my possessions so I can move to Seattle (aka Bunnyland), I drive a white '95 Taurus, I'm in love with a Wiffle Hutt waitress who looks like Julia Stiles without the bitchy overtones, my eyesight is fading, I like 90's sitcoms, and I have trouble stringing two coherent sentences together. Why don't fish have beanbag furniture? A pizza. And which is better: bouncy or boingy? Also, I no longer personally hate every person alive.

And here is Tracy's web site because I can't count the three times people have asked me for it recently: http://www.kaplyinc.com/

Tis the Season

Last Sunday was a very sacred day to me, a day I shall forever remember as "after two days of vomiting and sharting and farting and only being able to hold down an English muffin and two glasses of water, finally feeling well enough to eat something but having no food since I haven't felt well enough to go to a grocery for weeks and so I went to Pappasito's for some Tex-Mex takeout and spent fifteen minutes in the parking lot trying to escape wondering why they were so busy at 3 PM on Sunday" - um, mas. Then I got home and ate my taco al carbon and replayed some of the images I had seen in my mind, the gridlocked traffic in the parking lots, the bored children waiting for a table wandering after every passing stranger, the dressed-up old women in obvious discomfort being helped in and out of cars, and I remembered - it was Dress Up and Take the Family Out to Someplace Packed and Crowded Oh What Fun Day! Some antiquated calendars still list it as Mother's Day.

I'm not against holidays. I'm all for the claims that we should remember to celebrate things on a daily basis instead of just once per year, but I still think it's nice to set aside a special time to reflect and celebrate certain events or concepts. I'm just saying that we've gotten lazy and / or stupid (where we = you) in that we've decided that every holiday must be celebrated in the same way at the same time, usually by consuming a certain product or service. Blame Corporate America all you want, but unless they're marching into your homes and forcing you to go to KFC* at gunpoint, you're a willing participant. So, next holiday, how about you actually give it some thought first, then decide to do something that is both fun AND actually celebrates the concept behind the holiday.

This public service announcement is brought to you by the foundation for Father's Day is coming and I may want another taco and I don't want to get stuck in my car again because the parking lot is full of unhappy old men mopping the sweat from their bald heads with their ties as they edge into hour two standing under the hot July sun waiting for an available table.

Proper way to celebrate Valentine's Day.

* Seriously - I once had a coupon from KFC that said "not valid on Mother's Day". Then I drove by one that day and saw the parking lot was jammed, the dining room and drive-thru were packed to capacity, and cars were lined up in the street waiting to get in. KFC? For real? Wouldn't it be easier to just give dear old mom a five dollar gift certificate and say "Thank you for not making me an even bigger emotional wreck."?

WE'RE #2! WE'RE #2!

Georgia ranks 2nd in the childhood obesity race. We just need to hold a few more fairs with their healthy Coca-Cola based drinks and funnel cakes and we'll be ahead of Mississippi.

Resolutions for 2011

This year I resolve to do nothing of import, to lose no weight, and to spend as much time as possible drinking beer and playing video games when I can get some time away from my shitty job, which I will hold as long as I can, and when I'm not recovering from working my shitty job. Also, my health will continue to slip and I will get yet another year older as I continue my inexorable march towards death (T-8 years according to my doctors).

Finally, some realistic goals.

The Awesomeness That Is My Life, part the Latest

My company has decided to take an official "We hate Microsoft" stance (again) and as such has ordered us to use Firefox as our default browser. It is my preferred browser at home, but I'm sometimes hampered by the fact that it's incompatible with some business sites. At work, that's further compounded since it won't work with many of the online applications we make and use and support. To that end, the tech people sent out an e-mail with a link to a plug-in that would allow us to run Internet Explorer applications in Firefox. The link tries to open a browser window in our e-mail program (which has never worked) but after I extracted the link from the e-mail background code and went to the site I found that the "plug-in" consisted of these helpful instructions.

1. Make Firefox your default browser.
2. Also install Internet Explorer.
3. Use that instead.

I'm seriously not making any of that up.

I was also forwarded an e-letter from the law bunny with DeathStar Hospital's latest response. To briefly recap on our relationship, I endured "treatment" at one of their facilities through June and July of 2009, I filed for bankruptcy after a very long and unsuccessful struggle to get them to play fair, they turned a bill over to a collection agency, they turned the bill over to another collection agency,and then they created a new bill and sent it directly to me (along with several reminders to pay), and then they sent that one to a collection agency. My lawyer filed a claim against DeathStar Hospital whose lawyer ignored her deadline for response and then denied our claim stating that, although it was true that the courts notified DeathStar Hospital to cease and desist, they did not notify DeathStar Professional Services, a totally separate entity which can be proven because they have a separate P.O. box at the same address, who waited ten months before billing me. We are therefore mean and do not deserve protection from the law, but they promise that we will not be billed by them again now that we finally did our part and informed the new department we didn't know existed before. DeathStar Anal Rape Billing, DeathStarEvil Trolls unlimited, DeathStarYou Survived So You'll Never Stop Paying Us, DeathStar Pay Us Even If We Managed To Kill You, and DeathStarWe Like Money More Than Your Health are totally separate entities and each have their own distinct P. O. box and may decide to bill me again in the future.

And that's your daily reminder of why you should be happy to be someone else.

Dream Job Update

I started my first day as a work-at-home IT pro feeling a little guilty. Sure, the company didn't go far out of it's way to accommodate me and there are several people who are permanently allowed to work from home for no obvious reason, but I've never been comfortable asking for concessions - it's just become necessary to keep working at my former capacity. Since I felt guilty, I was determined to do such an outstanding job that they would never question the wisdom of their decision. I set my alarm early, dragged myself out of bed at 5 AM, and began working on the day's most critical reports in the hopes that they would all be waiting for the department manager when she arrived (which means any time at 6 AM or later or not at all). Then I would spend the rest of the day alternately working and resting, but always near the computer with the speakers on high and audible prompts any time anyone e-mailed or IM'd me. I would be available to them in a way never possible in the office since the bathroom is now ten feet away instead of three counties over.

To say I am not a morning person is to say the Pacific ocean is a tad damp. My symptoms are at their worst early in the morning, so I struggled with them as I coaxed the bronze-age laptop into operation. I began running the queries, and immediately everything that had ever gone wrong before went wrong again. In addition, I even discovered some new things that could go wrong because they went wrong (excuse my technical jargon). So, three plus hours later the first report was ready, slightly early (although not impressively so) and I no longer felt guilty.

I took a short rest break while the computer computed, then returned to my normal daily routine, albeit still ahead of my normally scheduled schedule. People sensed I was out and began requesting that I join them for meetings RIGHT FREAKING NOW! I let everyone know that I would be within reach of my computer all day long, even later than normal, available for phone conferences and IM's and e-mails and teleconferences, but that I was working from home. This upset them as the entire worldwide computer infrastructure will fail if I am not in my cubicle for people to bother in person (if your ATM is temporarily out of order, you can assume I'm in the bathroom), so they apparently began questioning my primary handler about my new schedule which prompted him to call me and have the latest version of the conversation we've been having every time I've been sick over the past few weeks. "Grant, you do great work, blah blah blah, thanks for getting those reports early for us today, but the laptop is just for rare uses when you can't come into the office." Apparently I was supposed to assume "You can work from home" meant "You can work from home in addition to being in your cubicle."

The new deal is this - if I feel as though I may be too sick to work in my cubicle a full day at my regularly scheduled hours, I have to let them know when I'll be out in advance and what my status will be (beyond being logged into the IM system as "working from home"), and then I can work from home for a couple of hours until I'm well enough to return to my cubicle. This is the special new system created just for me to replace the antiquated system other employees use, known as "calling in sick". And people say large corporations don't treat us as individuals. That's not true. They just don't treat us as individuals when it would benefit us instead of exclusively them. So, apparently I don't work at home, the new offer is that I get to work at home in addition to the office. And thus ends the great work at home experiment of 2010.

That was lovely.

My life as designed by Joseph Heller

Three weeks ago I was sick, overslept, and arrived late to work. By the time I had arrived they had called my mommy and asked if I was in the hospital again. (we're estranged, btw) They told me I needed to inform them if I'm going to be sick again. Then yesterday I was sick again, e-mailed them with the news, and then came to work later in the morning. I was then pulled aside and told that, despite my outstanding work, they couldn't tolerate my excessive tardiness anymore. The new deal is a) I get healthy enough to work a consistent schedule, or b) I arrange downtime in advance (i.e. I have to call in before my shift and inform them that I need x hours more rest before I can get to the office). It's important that I do my job from my cubicle because it can be done from anywhere in the world with a computer and Internet connection, so naturally my employers have canceled telecommuting because the poor economy provided them with the excuse they needed to stop improving efficiency. I was further told that if I they weren't relying on me so heavily they would have more flexibility, but my work is very important and of high quality which is why I may need to be replaced.

I used to be in management before I decided to pursue a career path that ostensibly rewarded having actual job skills and I knew from previous seminars that Georgia is an "employment at will" state, meaning you can be fired for any reason or none at all, so my only legal protection lies in federal law. I contacted a lawyer and he advised me that he can't give advice over the Internet and then added me to his mass e-mail list so I now get spammed by him. I checked the Social Security website to see what criteria has to be met to be labeled disabled, and in plain terms you have to a) be unable to do your job and b) be unable to do similar work under reasonably adjusted conditions (e.g. telecommuting instead of working a rigid office schedule). If you meet those conditions you can be disabled which will then require your employer to work with your medical issues and keep you employed. If not, you can be fired for your poor health and can become a burden on society (but not a disabled one - just a healthy bum).

Also my recent downturn has left me unable to exercise (my life now consists of being in the office, or at home resting so I can return to the office), which in turn leads to a rise in my blood sugars which leads to me being sicker. However, experience has taught me that exhausting the little energy I have during these periods leads to serious downtime and missed work and less exercise as a result. Basically I have to get healthy so I can exercise and get healthy. I also haven't been eating much lately. I think I've gained (more) weight.

And in other fun news, the first hospital that kicked off this whole adventure continues to ignore the bankruptcy ruling and to pester me with old bills, new bills, and collections agencies. My bankruptcy lawyer is taking action against them. Her e-mail to me read, in part, "This should be fun." With luck, that means we'll sue them and win easily and I'll have enough money to live without working for my remaining time. With my luck, that means I'll get to pay her much money to go to court to convince the court that they need to tell the hospital to do what the court said in the first place.

There's some subtle irony in here somewhere, but I just don't see it.

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Update - they agreed to let me work from home. If you own stock in anything, sell it and spend the money on hookers and beer because the world is ending. Seriously though, that's good for both of us. They'll get their data when needed (before, actually) and I can focus on work and my health instead of expending energy to sit in a cubicle for eight hours a day. As for the above - forget all that. Now I'm good.

Half-life Update

So I've been sick lately and undergoing various medical treatments and missing work as a result. I'm mostly caught up on all my duties (just a few low-priority requests to conquer), but my supervisor from the contracting company asked for an update on my health. I wasn't too thrilled at the prospect since, in person, I try to downplay my condition rather than talk it up and as a result many people are unaware of how sick I really am, but I hoped something positive might come from the meeting. He usually works from home and I don't like discussing my condition in my cubicle in front of others, so I called him from home during lunch. As expected, he was very understanding and sympathetic, probably due in some part to the fact that his wife is critically ill and he's had to endure a lot of the same things I have, at least secondarily. (full disclosure - it sounds like his wife has had a rougher time than I have) Anyway, he told me the reason for all the questions was that my primary boss from the company we support thinks my work is great, but wondered if I'm sick enough that they should consider replacing me. That's right - basically it boils down to "I don't feel well." "Okay - you're fired."

We discussed options, such as being allowed to work from home (I can do 100% of my job from any computer with an internet connection), or working nights and weekends as a last resort to make up the time missed due to illness and doctor appointments. My contractor supervisor talked with my employment company supervisor, who said he didn't see enough justification for allowing me to work from home but was okay with me working nights and weekends as long as I could provide advance warning. So, I'm allowed to be ill, but I have to do a better job of planning it in advance if I want to keep my job.

I was unthrilled with the decision and also not too happy that the guy who denied my request to work from home announced he was taking Friday off to work from home, but I don't consider him to be a bad guy. It's just the culture of this workplace. I'm a contractor, which means I'm treated more like equipment than a member of the team. The rules are different for contractors vs. regulars. If you're a regular, being ill (even terminal) means you get put on leave and, sick or otherwise, you're allowed to work remotely and to flex your hours as you see fit. If you're a contractor, you're expected to work 40 hours a week in the office, no variation on your schedule, and if you break down then you are to be replaced with a newer model. I'm sure the regular supervisor would have granted the request to work from home if the situation was better, but the regulars haven't been able to prevent their own from being laid off, so there's no way they would spend extra money to assist a contractor. I would be more than willing to use my own PC to work remotely, but work rules state they must issue me a laptop and and a userid for their remote access system, both of which cost money not in their budget. (don't even get me started on how hiring professionals to decorate for the holidays IS still in the budget)

Between the lousy contractor company gouging their employees and the regular company treating us with a double standard, I think I'll be ready to look for another job (again) if I can get well enough to the point that I actually can commute, stand to be out of bed for more than four hours at a time, and work at least 40 hours a week in the office. Hopefully by then Obama will have repatriated some of our jobs.

Breaking up is hard to do

Having ousted my cable company in favor of DSL, I'm now trying to ditch my cell phone. I have a cell phone because it was cheaper than a dedicated land line combined with cable since the only calls I make are to order pizza or complain about cable outages. So, I went to Virgin Mobile's web site which has tons of cool options, absolutely none of which allow you to cancel service.

I called their "customer service" and got a very friendly computer on the line that took my basic information and outlined my options, also none of which were to cancel service. After playing with the voice menu for a bit, I switched to an old fall-back trick and began pressing 0 repeatedly. This usually gets you to a person, but Virgin's automated assistant was programmed not to give up so easily. It refused to budge until I selected an item from a new menu, which this time included cancellation. I sat on musical hold, listened to the computer periodically tell me how busy they are (as if that would convince me to stay), then eventually I got to talk to a real live moron person. He asked for my phone number, reason for calling, put me on hold, asked for my phone number, put me on hold, and then...hung up. Good thing I have two weeks to cancel service before I get charged again. I'll try twice more, then file a complaint with the BBB.

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That reminds me of the pager company my previous employer used. Our executives often took time away from their golf game to remind our employees to save money whenever possible, which they reasoned was best accomplished by purchasing goods and services that required constant upkeep and replacement parts. The paging company was all about the cheap, crappy service. When you called, you were given two options - get a new pager which sent you directly to a person, or ask for help with your current pager, which put you on hold until they had a spare moment. We quickly learned to use option one when we had problems, and they quickly learned to put us back on hold when we said we didn't really want to give them more money.

My company got a state-wide pager for me, which didn't reach as far as my house in the suburbs of Atlanta. Geographic note - Atlanta is still in Georgia. While talking to their "customer service" people in between waits on the phone, one guy revealed that most of their pagers just work around Atlanta and they give those out in the hopes that the customers don't find out. Since I did, they gave me another one which could at least reach my house. While being sent to the Birmingham plant, I tested it en route. It didn't work beyond fifty miles out of the city.

I wonder why more companies don't use such great money-saving tactics? "Yeah, we only gave your four McNuggets in your six-pack. We were hoping you couldn't count. Here's the other two."

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Below is a picture of my new imaginary friend.














I'm going to keep calling him Snoodles until he tells me his real name.