You Suck

My across the way cube neighbor is awesome. He shouts "I say fleeber, you say pleeber!" then shouts "Fleeber!" and I respond "Pleeber!" and then we while away a few hours. Today I decided to kick things off and said "I say snickle, you say frickle - snickle!" but instead of "Frickle!" he responded by whimpering and crawling under his desk. Now he refuses to come out and is living off the Lifesavers and warm Coke Zeroes he has stored. I entered a liquid paper trance and sought assistance from my spirit guide, an armored kangaroo I call Captain Boingy, and he said the proper apology should involve a wooden ruler, three used napkins, four aspirin, and a staple remover, but he didn't say how to employ them and I can't reenter the spirit realm because I'm out of liquid paper. Suggestions?

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Yet another "too long for Formspring" post.

Too long for Formspring

On Sunday at church I kept shouting "Do the jalapeno!" but the preacher just gave me funny looks and other people kept shushing me. What kind of preacher doesn't take requests for dance moves? Anyway, I left early and chained the doors and set fire to the building. Fortunately nobody escaped alive and so I don't have to receive any come-uppance for the fact that the jalapeno isn't, in fact, a dance move. Now I won't be embarrassed by that awful incident and can move on with my life without even mentioning it. So I wanted to celebrate with steak or maybe ice cream, then I thought - Steakscream (patent pending). ZOMFG what could be better - the best of both worlds. You could have a hot, steaming frozen treat that is made out of meat cream and is dispensed in the shape of a star onto a waffle cone. And you could top it with things like onion and pepper sprinkles! Awesome! But then I called the patent office and they won't let my official patent number be "Mr. Fricklepants", the poop-heads. So I guess a patent isn't pending after all. So, what should I have for dinner? 'Cause Steakscream apparently isn't happening.

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In other news, today is important because it marks Mexico's attempt to steal my thunder by having a holiday just ten days before my birthday. This year, since the economy is too bad for you to buy me a bunny, go to Formspring and ask me questions and try to come up with something more original than asking about Asian women and sharting. Because Formspring will become the most valid social networking site ever and can only ruined by your personal lameness. You claim to be intelligent and creative? (I've read your blog - you do) The it's time to put up or shut up. Or maybe that's put out or shout out. I can never remember. Put in or be a dust bin?

Boob Tea

Important note for Beltane - China is hiring busty virgins to pick tea to nestle in their bosoms to give it a more feminine quality. Qualified C-bunnies can apply directly to me.

Handwriting Anal

...ysis. Knight claims you can tell a lot by a person's handwriting. Click to embiggen the below and let me know what you think.


Note - this was written last evening during a period when my neuropathy wasn't making it difficult to write. This is why I normally prefer to type or cut and paste letters out of random magazines (whichever is more appropriate to the situation).

Our Nation's Pastime

She is boring. Especially when viewed on the radio. I rode with a friend yesterday and was struck by the total lack of showmanship. I guess they're relying on the typical guy obsession with sports to make exciting an event where the most common descriptive phrase is a monotone "swingannamiss" followed by random Bingo-ish numbers ("it's now three and oh, with Bladovich standing pat on second"). I sense huge opportunities for improvement.

"Aaaaaaaand, we're back. Another foul ball, so the Earl of Boingy rides the magic unicorn to first. Captain Fleeber up to the plate now. If he misses this one, WE MAY ALL BE KILLED! Pop fly, swallowed by a dragon. Fleeber on first, the viscount to second. Hells yeah, he got demoted. He was smoking fiberglass! Time for the second inning asssault." Cue machine gun / atomic bomb sound effects. "It's a high right into candyland. The duke is heading for home. Will e make it? OHNO, a horde of zombies has emerged and is dragging him into the underworld. The all-Japanese lesbian cheerleaders go wild and make out!"

See how easy that was? They just need somebody with a little verbal creativity / inebriation / break from reality to color comment and the whole game improves. We wouldn't even need anyone actually playing the game. Before long people would say "Let's stay home and listen to the game on the radio. It's so much less fun when you actually see it."

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And here is another ideal pic for the puzzle thingy below.

This is old, but cool

The Photograph Puzzle Maker.

Anyone who can complete a puzzle using the smallest piece size is a way more hardcore jigsaw puzzler than me.

And here is an image to help get you started. In fact, this blog is a great place for jigsaw puzzle images. Who wouldn't want to assemble a bunny?

What was your favorite thing to do during recess at school?

Smoke cigarettes.

Go away if you're easily offended

My boyfriend bought me some eggs from Wal-Mart but they won't hatch out into chickens. What am I dong wrong?

If they're made out of Cadbury, then they should hatch into bunny rabbits. Keep sitting on them.

Go away if you're easily offended

Happy Bunny Day!

Apparently it's poetry month

So - Haiku!

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I hate poetry
But Asian women are hot
Booger witch snargle

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Tip from Kaply.

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Example of typical Asian woman:

I dare you to ask for extra peanuts

Air Hong Kong teaching kung fu to stewardesses.

Bonus news photo of hot Asian chicks touching each other:

Bonus C-bunny names I am totally not making up: Lumpy and Rose (respectively).

If you were able to choose the weapon of your destruction, what would you choose? And no, Bunnies are not weapons, so you can't choose death by Bunny Sex.

Double-bladed telescoping Flamesaw™. It's a little something I created using the best features of a chainsaw, flame-thrower, and Darth Maul's lightsabre. Plus I think I can mount it on a pogo stick so that when the killing spree begins I can go "boingy, boingy, boingy". Life is just more fun when you say "boingy, boingy, boingy".

Go away if you're easily offended

I Seethe

Thanks to watching reruns of Scrubs, I've been exposed to the song "A Little Respect" by Erasure from their album The Innocents. This is possibly the most cloying, treacly thing I've ever heard. It would make Winnie the Pooh vomit homey and Liberace refuse to perform it on the grounds that it's too gay. Then I thought maybe there's some clever, ironic subtexts so I Googled the lyrics and discovered it's even more nauseating than I thought (sample line I am unfortunately not making up - "Soul, I hear you calling"). This cannot stand.

I'm an idealist and I want to live in a better world. I want to live in a world where I can ride my pogo stick home from work and immediately climb onto my trampoline and have bouncy pie fights with hot Asian women. I want to visit a store where the wine is made of beer and the shirts in my size have vertical stripes. I want an official dictionary with words like "floingy". I want to be able to ride unicorns through the heathers until they drop dead of exhaustion, then grill them as steaks with a soy/orange marinade. I want heaven to be reachable with a stepladder and made of pie.

To that end, as a measured and reasonable response to the music industry for dumping that bag of shart song on us, I encourage everyone to drop by their collective houses and fling their goldfish beneath their stoves, put gravel in their lip balm, set fire to their potted plants, and then set fire to the fire. They should be required by law to shave with chainsaws and bathe in rubbing alcohol. May their sandwiches be made of bologna and their pillows full of cacti. I wish them slugs in their head. May they never say "piffle" again.

Example of a woman who would be good in bouncy pie fights:

Cool - almost lunchtime.

My sister said it's okay to take the pogo stick to church as long as I don't make the "boingy, boingy" noises as I'm heading to my pew, but that's just wrong. Who is behind this travesty - the preacher? Or is it another invisible robot clown?

My sister said it's okay to take the pogo stick to church as long as I don't make the "boingy, boingy" noises as I'm heading to my pew, but that's just wrong. Who is behind this travesty - the preacher? Or is it another invisible robot clown?

Answer here

Nothing new here

So...bunny!

I'm starting a death metal choir named Captain Boingy and the Boingers and Keith wants to play backup triangle but I'm afraid he doesn't have the right boingatude. Can I let him play and still maintain the integrity of whatever it is we're all about?

I'm starting a death metal choir named Captain Boingy and the Boingers and Keith wants to play backup triangle but I'm afraid he doesn't have the right boingatude. Can I let him play and still maintain the integrity of whatever it is we're all about?

Answer here

Attention, ladies

I am a Chinese SWAT team member.

Just tossing out the bunny bait.

Fear Me

Warning - if you cross me, I'm likely to YouTube you the evil eye.

'Cuz that's how I roll.

Direct link is here.

Georgia in the news

It's never good. But at least this is better than when they got Creationism into the local science classrooms.

What up in Asia?

Chinese naked skiing.

Warning #1 - pic NSFW.

Warning #2 - lack of explicit C-bunny.

Solution to warning 2: Shu Qi