Friday, April 01, 2005


I’ve been eating lunch at McDonalds this week, and have made a couple of observations.

Number one is about the ketchup (or catsup if you’re fancy). They used to give that stuff away by the pound, whether you wanted it or not. “Would you like some ketchup with that diet Coke?” I used to think they used the little packets to pad the bag like Styrofoam peanuts, or that McD’s was really a ketchup distribution chain created to disseminate our nation’s dangerously overstocked surplus of ketchup while masquerading as hamburger joints.

Now every one I go to has gotten stingy with their condiments. Even when I get fries (which come with every combo meal in accordance with divine mandate), they don’t automatically give up the ketchup or even offer it in most cases. When I ask for some, they hand me one or two packets and seem reluctant to part with any more. Obviously one of two things has happened: 1) They finally realized the costs for those little packets of condiments they threw away like so much many dead cockroaches were beginning to aggregate, or 2) the nation’s ketchup surplus has ended and we are now facing a ketchup drought. Whatever plant or mineral is used to make ketchup (I’m envisioning an unlisted element called catsupium) is now on the endangered plant or mineral list, and they are cutting back to avoid the day when the market crashes and we have no ketchup and management will die with their backs against the wall. Bring it on, I say. I’ll miss the ketchup, but the entertainment value of the apocalypse cannot be ignored.

Second, I have discovered that fast food gives me severe gas, which is not my problem as much as it is my cube mates. The think that bothers me is that my farts smell exactly like the food when it came fresh out of the bag. What kind of “food” is this, that turning it into McPoo has no effect on its composition. Makes you wonder what sort of fillers they are using. I’ve often heard people say their hamburgers taste like crap. Maybe they were closer to the truth than I realized. It would explain why they all were all killed by hitclowns. The police said it was a series of bizarre accidents, but I know better.


Valkyrie said...

Well, it has been a bad year for tomato crops.

Weary Hag said...

It's a vicious cycle I tell ya. People eat McCrap then fart McCrap and it all smells the same, just like you said. When they fart, it starts the hunger cycle again and hey, what do you suppose they crave smelling that already-been-eaten-and-shat burger and grease sticks? Off they go back to McCrap's for some more fart fodder. Incredible. Problem is, some genius discovered that the ketchup nullifies the food smell when it passes through the poop shoot, so they don't want to be handing too much of that stuff out anymore.
Thanks for steering my brain away from the Schiavo/Pope/Jackson circus this morning.

Sask 1 said...

I believe it was all part of a government conspriracy to charge exorbitant prices for ketchup.They got the fast food chains to give the stuff away for free so we all get addicted to it.Then they take it away so we're stuck having to pay for our cravings.

Anonymous said...

You need to turn veggie and steer clear of those places

the phantom said...

if you would prefer a little more of a "mcdoodoo" awakening, read the book "fast food nation." gives me the "mcgurgles" just thinking about the quasi-meat that is actually used. uuggghhh.

Rachel said...

I recommend Super Size Me. Interesting documentary on McDonalds. I would be happy not to go to McDonald but they have my children brain washed.